Reasons I Love Republicans

Republicans Vote McCain

2008-11-02T19:26:00.000-08:00

As Election Day draws near, we at Reasons I Love Republicans have decided to make a final endorsement of a candidate. No surprising, we have chosen to endorse the McCain/Palin ticket. We deliberated for days on end yet always found ourselves coming back to old reliable John McCain.
Why, you ask?
Imagine a world where Barack Obama has become president and both houses of Congress contain Democratic majorities. Barack may actually be able to make good on his campaign promises. Maybe he'll bring this country universal health care, fix our ailing economy, but more importantly bring complete sentences back to the White House. What will become of SNL's political relevance? What will become of bad comedians who make political jokes and George W. Bush impersonations? What will conversation on the View be like?

Whoopi: "Mmmhmmm, things are sure good."
Joy: "Let's have some Pinot Grigio and go to sleep."
Elizabeth: ......

Oh, did we mention Elizabeth Hasslebeck will be out of a job? What portion of the country would she represent? We do need to reassure you, we spent hours and sleepless nights worrying about Elizabeth's job security.
What will become of our Conservative Countrymen when unity and good feelings have overtaken all? Sure, the Liberals have endured far worse in the past 8 years, but they have college educations and live in kick ass cities. How can we dare force our Conservative Brethren to live and let live?
It's just not fair. With Barack Obama as president, others will be forced to tolerate gay marriages, the teaching of evolution, and equality with Muslims and the working class.
And on the last note, we decided we liked Barack Obama too much. He inspires us to wear fitted suits and enunciate way too much to give him one of the hardest jobs in the country. What if Barack has to make some unpopular decisions? What if things don't turn around as we hope they will? What if the stresses of the presidency turn his hair grey and tarnish his complexion? No, we'd much more sacrifice John McCain to that fate. If he plunges our economy into the toilet and forces us to wear a carbon counting bracelet that keeps track of our every exhale to protect corporations from being overburdened by their responsibilities to combat global warming - it's not as if we liked Ol' Knee Face anyway. And if ever the opportunity arises that John McCain throws up in the lap of a foreign dignitary, we won't feel bad about saying we're ashamed he is our president.

OBLIGATORY:
Our lawyers did insist we include the following note along with our endorsement:
The staff of Reasons I Love Republicans also hold their own career interests in mind when endorsing the McCain ticket. They have currently optioned a 3 part movie franchise with Warner Bros. based on John McCain's life, entitled "The Maverick" with Michael Bay attached as a director and Jake Gyllenhaal set to play a young John McCain. The film is loosely based on reality with John McCain being a Senator by day and masquerading superhero by night.
In addition to this film franchise, the writers are also in talks with the E! network to produce a reality show which follows the Palin clan as they settle in Washington, D.C. entitled "The Hockey Mom." The show intends to feature situations such as potty training in the Oval Office and Bristol Palin going on birth control.

Republicans Debate Part Deux

2008-10-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

First off, how many of you noticed that ol' Johnny had some work done? His face was completely fat and plump like a baby's rump. Whatever it was, we want some of it stored in jars in the basement for that fateful day when we too reach the age of one hundred and one.
Next, what's with Old Man McCain? Could he be any grumpier?
And since when does McCain know a plumber? Especially one named Joe. More like Julian who he beats with a cane for looking at him.
And of course, our favorite moment of the debate:

"We can do it with this kind of job creation of energy independence"-- John McCain

What does that even mean?Somehow we don't think Ol' Johnny's gonna be stickin' a fork in Barack any time soon...

Republicans Hate the Unemployed

2008-10-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

But don't we all hate those unemployed sacks that get to sit at home and watch Ellen while the rest of us have to put up with the daily grind?
Oh, sure, they're victims of a horrible economic crisis where unemployment rates are higher than they've been in 7 years. YAWN.

Dana's right. All those lazy asses who got fired or laid off in this downturn are just making it worse for all of us by remaining unemployed and wanting more government assistance to stay in their homes or pay for food.

Republicans Ain't Gangsta

2008-10-07T16:16:00.000-07:00

There is nothing funny about the tone this election has taken. We just wanted to make that clear.
We know Elizabeth Hasselback is upset that the N-word has been taken out of the American public's accepted vocabulary but she must be excited to know that Sarah Palin is bringing it back.
For those of you keeping score at home, Sarah Palin is not a gangsta. She's not even a little bit street. No. She's not. Stop it. Stop it.
No.
Seriously.
Sarah Palin is not:

She is:

It is inexcusable for her to incite the use of racial slurs among her following. Yes, DMX can do that, but...c'mon...seriously...

Republicans Debate

2008-10-01T20:14:00.001-07:00

We at the Reasons I Love Republicans blog have been gearing up for the Vice Presidential Debate. We apologize for the lack of coverage on the 1st Presidential Debate but...seriously...come on you'd so rather be reading about Somalian Pirates anyway. To prep you for tomorrow's debate, we've created a little "graphic novel" if you will on how Sarah Palin will win. Are we crazy? Not as crazy as Palin but face it, the woman can back peddle uphill on unicycle while juggling a litter of kittens. Enjoy.

Republicans Take Back America

2008-09-09T15:55:00.000-07:00

Do not adjust your LCD monitor. It does appear that John McCain has taken the lead in some polls. Well...it's sort of a stretch to say McCain has the lead, over half those people polled really think Church Lady Palin is running for president. We racked our brains looking for her appeal and sadly, we could find none. Sure she's a milf (soon to be gilf?) but would we have to hear that goddamn canuck accent during sex? It really makes you think twice.
We've decided to throw some support behind ol' Johnny and offer these signs that outline the GOP's new platform:

Republicans Be A Church Lady On The Street But A Freak In The Bed

2008-09-03T20:41:00.001-07:00

Whoa...this is kind of...wow...our first reactions to Church Lady Palin's speech:Damn right the Ol' Boys Club had it coming! This one's for Johnny!...What?...Does she have that authori- Ouch! Bitch just hit me in the face with a hockey puck!Damn right! Wait...which war was that? Well, Unity is that other guy's theme. What? What?
Church Lady Palin definitely delivered on the crazy. Obviously Alaska is in some alternate universe. And you know...you know...you know she's a freak in the bed.

Republicans Lock The Church Lady Up

2008-09-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

It is a mere moments until Church Lady Palin takes the stage at the Republican National Convention. We can't wait for the crazy! Unfortunately, we're having to listen to that asshole Giuliani talk out of his asshole. We can't asshole enough around here when in reference to that asshole Giuliani. He's about as useful as an asshole on your elbow.
While we wait, did anyone see Laura Bush last night? What is she sipping? I bet it's an elegant bottle.
Plus, what else is up with the Republicans being so defeated? If you're keeping score at home, every time a Republican says voters will overlook their differences with John McCain, take a sip. Every time we get a reference to Vietnam, take a sip. WHOA! WE'RE DRUNK!
THANKS RUDY!

Republicans Are Still An Exclusive Club

2008-09-02T16:25:00.000-07:00

As the Republican National Convention gets off to a lackluster start, I am reminded how excited I am about the premiere of Gossip Girl (it's big with the kids and I feel it's time for me to get on board) and the new 90210. I can't say that my lack of enthusiasm for the convention has nothing to do with the fact that I recently had a brush with the Straight Talk Express and then was plowed over by it.
About two weeks ago, I got a call from a representative of Camp McCain. Let's call him Bob.
BOB: "Hi, I'm calling on behalf of the McCain Campaign."
ME: "Oh crap. Am I in trouble?"
BOB: "What?"
ME: "...Nothing..."
BOB: "A colleague from the Austin bloggers convention recommended you as an entertainer."
ME: "What?"
BOB: "You're some kind of political stand up comedian?"
ME: "...of sorts..."
BOB: "Well, we're very interested in having you tag along on the Straight Talk Express."
ME: "You know I'm very disappointed about that whole situation with the Conservative Bloggers."
BOB: "There was a situation?"
ME: "...of course not..."
BOB: "But you just said-"
ME: "I'm actually a blogger."
BOB: "...Oh..."
ME: "Didn't they tell you that?"
BOB: "No...they said you were some kind of liberal comedian."
ME: "I never said I was liberal. In fact I think I signed some sort of paper."
BOB: "Well that's not a problem. The senator is interested in having some more liberal viewpoints around."
ME: "Oh thank God, because really, I own that shit."
BOB: "...right..."
ME: "So what sort of thing do you want me to do?"
BOB: "Well we originally wanted some on board entertainment. I was told you had a Barack Obama impersonation."
ME: "It was Bobby Jindal."
BOB: "Oh dear."
ME: "Will that be a problem?"
BOB: "Of course."
ME: "...it's cut."
BOB: "What other sort of thing do you do?"
ME: "I had this great idea for a drag queen to play Meghan."
BOB: "That's a problem."
ME: "I know. Drag queens don't do buses."
BOB: "...right..."
ME: "But if Meghan's on board anyway, I'll just do a bit with her."
BOB: "Meghan doesn't do bits."
ME: "Okay..."
BOB: "What else?"
ME: "I have a good few minutes of dick jokes. That's the one thing I demand."
BOB: "What?"
ME: "Well, I'm not sure about them right now but I stand by them. The bloggers wouldn't let me do them."
BOB: "We have children on the bus now..."
ME: "Well I'm sure they know what's going on downstairs."
BOB: EXHALES
ME: "How much time will each performance be?"
BOB: "I don't know."
ME: "Will I get to blog from the bus?"
BOB: "Possibly. But your posts will have to be reviewed."
ME: "What?"
BOB: "We were hoping you could stay on board until the convention. And then we want you to perform in the lobby of the hotel most of the delegates are staying at."
ME: "Uhm...wow..."
BOB: "Is that a problem?"
ME: "Will I get any face time with the Senator?"
BOB: "You'll be able to see him from your seat on the bus."
ME: "Well, that's lame."
BOB: "..."
ME: "Sounds great! When do I start?"
BOB: "We're going to have to check this blog of yours. Then we'll get back to you."

A few days later I get this email from BOB:
"We love the blog! It's really funny! Look forward to seeing you on the Express."

So I'm thinking, "OMFG! I need to get a travel pillow!" and "Will a track suit be appropriate? Athletes do it all the time..." but then a few days after that, BOB gives me another ring:
BOB: "There are a few things we need to talk about."
ME: "I completely cut Bobby Jindal from the act. And it was really hard but I also left the Romney Brothers out. Although, can I bring them back into the act for the hotel lobby shows?"
BOB: "What do you mean?"
ME: "Well I was thinking of doing a survey to see which brother people think is gayer. And then I sort of just go from there."
BOB: "Oh no."
ME: "...but we'll leave it out...Instead I have this great joke...about the economy..."
BOB: "What?"
ME: "I mean Hillary's pantsuits?"
BOB: "Oh gosh! That is too funny! What else?"
ME: "Uhm...well...I was hoping I could round up some drag queens for the lobby shows. Is that alright?"
BOB: "uhm..."
ME: "I was planning on having them dress like famous Republicans. Like Ronald Reagan."
BOB: "You can't have drag queens at all."
ME: "Why would I want any?" (and we laugh)
BOB: "This all sounds great."
ME: "Here's hoping!"
BOB: "But I have some bad news."
ME: "Ugh! I'm sorry! I promise I won't say the word 'dick' not even in reference to Cheney."
BOB: "What?"
ME: "I thought you were going to ban that word...with the kids and all..."
BOB: "No, unfortunately, someone on the campaign bus had brought up some pretty strong objections to your performances."
ME: "What? Who?"
BOB: "I really can't talk about it right now."
ME: "Was it the senator? Did he find my blog offensive?"
BOB: "The senator doesn't do blogs."
ME: "Was it Cindy? I think she's fabulous and I'm just being bitchy!"
BOB: "No."
ME: "Oh my God! Was it Meghan? I'll just die if it was Meghan!"
BOB: "It was the Senior Mrs. McCain. Okay?"
ME: "Skeletor?! Skeletor reads my blog?!"
BOB: "I think that's pretty offensive."
ME: "I say it with love?"
CLICK

So...it appears John McCain's one hundred and forty year old mother is internet savy and reads this frequently. Who knew?

Republicans Can Be Women

2008-08-31T16:35:00.001-07:00

This may be a low blow but we're really only doing this for the women out there. Men (straight, gay, or otherwise) can just click over to the next website now.
We at the Reasons I Love Republicans blog have decided to take some time in making a post on Church Lady Palin's nomination for the Republican Vice Presidential candidate. It's also Labor Day Weekend and we've labored hard so we play hard.
But I think all of America has collectively let out a, "WTF?!" right with us. Who the hell is this Alaskan chick? Well, Camp McCain has made no intentions to disguise the choosing of Church Lady Palin as based on her great political accomplishments. It's simply because she's a chick. And chicks vote for chicks. A great insult to women across the nation if you ask us.
So we did some research and mostly Church Lady Palin is just that. A Church Lady. Quick Bullet Points:
• She hates Animals!
• She hates the Environment!
• She hates Gays!
• She hates Science!
• She hates Choices!
Ohhh...but on that last note...we did manage to find an interesting article from our friends over at the Daily Kos. And it was something odd we had researched. It seems while pregnant, Church Lady Palin was in Dallas, TX when her water broke a month early. Rather than hurry off to the hospital, Palin delivered a keynote address on hating the environment and then hopped on board a plane and flew about 8 hours back to Alaska so her son would be an Alaskan Native. Uhm....does someone have a case of the Crazies?! Yes, she does and the baby is apparently not her's. My dear dear friend Meghan has posted a few pictures I've borrowed (as usual) that I will use to illustrate: I guess it would be rather difficult to pressure your teenage daughter into abortion when you've strongly stood against even allowing victims of rape and incest the option...
We know, we know. We'll go back to being funny for the next post.

Republicans Love Hillary Clinton

2008-08-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

As the Democratic National Convention (AKA the Coolest Smart People Party of the Year) gets underway, Camp McCain is gearing up a whole week's worth of desperate acts. Oh yes, it's get way sad you guys. Just a year ago while fighting for the Republican nomination, McCain and the rest of the Old White Guys Club took turns sodomizing stuffed Hillary dolls, but today it's a very different story.
Camp McCain has hired an out of work actress to pose as a Hillary Clinton supporter who is now switching teams. Desperate.
Let's just make this clear, there are no Democrats voting for John McCain. Not even Democrats upset with Hillary Clinton losing. Oh shut up, don't call me crazy. Let's look at the facts:

Hillary Clinton
Pro-Choice
Pro Gun Control
Universal Health Care
Same Sex Civil Unions

John McCain
Anti-Choice
"Smoke 'em if ya got 'em" (I mean guns...)
"Privatize the whole goddamn world! (except my job and every job I've ever had...)"
"I Hate Gays!"

Oh...yeah...that's right...they're COMPLETELY different! Democrats voting for McCain would be like Al Qaeda members wearing rosaries and Virgin Mary tattoos.

In another desperate act, Camp McCain managed to snag a D-List celebrity in the form of Daddy Yankee. If McCain can sing along to a Daddy Yankee song, we'd give him kudos but isn't this a little hypocritical? Using a celebrity to get votes after the things he's said about celebrities loving Obama? I guess it doesn't count when the celebrity is a washed up one hit wonder. Oooohhhh, yeah that's right. I said it.

Republicans Have...Maybe 4 Houses? I Dunno...

2008-08-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

Due to the recent backlash from making a guesstimate to the number of houses he owns, John McCain's campaign has issued a statement saying "Barack Obama lives in a mansion!" Well...don't most senators? Don't most people who make millions in book sales? How unusual is that really? Do most people forget the number of houses they have? Absolutely not. Well, at least not people who aren't mega effin' rich. According to the statement, the McCains only have 4 houses they could possibly live in. The other 37 just aren't up to par.
And to prove they can't leave well enough alone, the McCain Campaign had to throw in:

John McCain was a POW in Vietnam. So suck it.

Well, they didn't quite say it like that. But seriously? We here at the Reasons I Love Republicans office have decided to manufacture a drinking game that will be available in time for the convention. Every time you hear about McCain being a POW, toss one back biatch. We're all gettin' loaded.
But I digress. McCain probably doesn't know how many houses he has because he's just a kept man. Nothing more. We all know Cindy's the one with the bank accounts. She's bringing home the bacon and we know she damn well wears the couture pants.
But then that brings the question: Why does Cindy McCain keep John around?
It's puzzling. We decided to put together a little mash up featuring the things that come to mind when we think of Cindy McCain:
And the things that come to mind when thinking of John McCain:
She's totally banging the gardener.

Republicans Love Civil Forums

2008-08-17T08:07:00.000-07:00

The first presidential forum took place last night and I'm sure most of us were eager to see the two candidates duke it in front of God at the Saddleback Church. The only problem is that didn't happen. In fact it was way lame and boring and I'm sure none of us learned anything we didn't already know about the candidates. To Rick Warren's credit, he did ask some interesting questions like what is your biggest moral failure. And he played each side to their audience for the most part. It was just boring.
I would have much rather seen McCain and Obama face off in an American Idol style competition singing patriotic songs. I'm sure Obama would win hands down since he'd be able to get some help from his many many musician friends. And McCain's got......Toby Keith, I'm sure...but he's pretty effin' terrible.
Anyway, McCain did a great job reciting the Conservative Manifesto making our troubled world easily solved in black and white answers. (Sick burn!) Here are our problems with McCain's answers from last night:
1. Holy crap! Seriously, John - you need to get that thing looked at! For the first 15 minutes of your answers all I could hear was the frickin' tumor talking to me!

2. "Leave the rich alone!" - I don't know if you haven't realized it yet...but we're kind of going through this economic trouble...yeah...Starbucks, Bennigans, Linens & Things, Steve & Barry's, andawholelotofotherpeople are having some problems right now...Middle America is on unemployment. Maybe you should show some sympathy and say something like "Rich is having a Beamer, a Bendz, an Escalade, 12 Jewish lawyers that keep you paid." Instead of saying "Well, I know rich people who are the most unhappy people in the world." Or whatever it is you said. Because let me assure you, Meghan is quite happy compared to other recent college grads her age who are forced to work at McDonald's to pay off their student loans.
3. What the eff?! Diss on Ginsberg?! What the heck did Ginsberg do?! Oh no you di'int. I don't know if you've heard anything on the streets, but Ginsberg is our homegirl. We got her back.
4. Excuse me? Did your mother not teach you manners? Mr. Warren is in charge of moderating and he'll get to that damn question on his own time now stop interrupting and take your medication.

5. And for the last goddamn time - tell us about being a POW. It's not that we don't respect what you went through, but seriously we're a little tired of it. Of course we'll give you props if you can relate abortion and gay marriage to the 5 years you spent in Vietnam but otherwise we have the entire story memorized from start to finish, including jokes and awkward facial expressions.

Republicans For the Weekend

2008-08-15T15:50:00.000-07:00

After a long week, we here at Reasons I Love Republicans are ready to unwind. And yes, the office staff has increased around here lately. It's been awhile since we "re-blogged" so we figured it was time to mock the Blogette again. Enjoy. And that is why we love love love Meghan.
Well if it worked for Tropic Thunder... I'm just saying...

Whew! We're tired. Who wants ice cream?

Republicans Hate Celebrities

2008-08-06T18:41:00.000-07:00

In his latest act of desperation, John McCain has released the notorious ad "Celeb." Where he somehow equates Barack Obama with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. WTF?
Desperate.
Not only does John McCain avoid stating any real issues, he's completely out of touch with reality. First off, if you're going to compare Obama to a celebrity that matters today, you don't use Britney and Paris. They are so summer of '07. It's all about Miley.
Secondly, does John McCain have no idea where his support comes from? Paris' parents apparently donated the maximum amount allowed for individuals to his campaign. Sure it was only $4600, but from what I've heard it's Ramen and store brand cola on the Straight Talk Express. By the way John, the bus rental place called. They want their money in Euros.
Aside from Paris, does McCain not remember 2004 when Britney declared she was a Republican and endorsed the W? She even offered to perform at the Republican National Convention. Of course no one let her, but this time around I think John should be singing a different tune. Cos seriously, if the McCain Girls is all you got...damn...you got problems. Britney would have been perfect for the RNC this time around. She's cleaned up. She's a good mom now. And she could pull in the perfect young demographic. Misinformed youth. Barack's already got all the smart kids who actually know what's going on in the world.
And in case you haven't seen it, here's Paris' awesome response to John's desperate beg for votes.

Paris Hilton Responds to McCain Adfunny videosFunnyOrDie.com

Loves it.

Republicans Are An Exclusive Club

2008-07-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

So the day I hear not one but two political blogger conventions will be taking place in this great city of Austin, TX, I go nuts. And here I go thinking that maybe somehow I can contribute. Cos I'm a political blogger and I'm funny. So of course I immediately check out the conservative one, Defending the American Dream. And after watching this video I'm all "...Do I really wanna be a part of this snoozefest?" So I check out the liberal one, Netroots Nation and it's definitely a lot classier. Plus it's more expensive so I'm thinking, yeah, let's take my new Prada loafers there. And if you know conservatives, they don't have a very good sense of humor. Have you ever tried to tell a joke to Bill O'Reilly? He ain't having it...
So I call up Netroots to see if I can get in to perform some political comedy (yeah, cos I'm a stand up comedian...). And the conversation went something like this:
Them: "You want to do what?"
Me: "Stand up comedy. I have this great blog-"
Them: "We all do."
Me: "...yeah but mine's about Republicans."
Them: "And you're doing what at our convention?"
Me: "Presenting a different point of view?"
Them: "I'm not sure we can squeeze you in the schedule. Plus no one knows you around here."
Me: "What? I am kind of famous."
Them: "Sorry."
Me: "Don't you guys need some entertainment there?"
Them: "We have Howard Dean."
CLICK.

Yeah, I know, assholes. Anyway, I decide to eat shit and call up that other convention.
Me: "I'm really interested in being a part of this convention as a stand up comedian."
Them: "Really? We don't have one of those scheduled."
Me: "...I know...that's why I called..."
Them: "I can ask around."
Me: "Well I have a blog called Reasons I Love Republicans. You should check it out and get back to me."
Them: "Is it funny?"
Me: "No. It's like dead serious politics."
Them: "Well...then why are you a comedian?"
Me: "..."
Them: "Oh! I get it! You're funny!" (She laughs hysterically.)
Me: "Yeah...ok....ok....Well please call me back."
CLICK

Later that afternoon:
Them: "Oh my God! We really like your blog. You're so funny!"
Me: "I'm glad. So do you think I can do a bit or something?"
Them: "Well, we at the office talked it over and we think we can squeeze you in for maybe 30 minutes."
Me: "Awesome." (Cos seriously, 30 minutes? I don't even have an act yet!)
Them: "Saturday at 8AM."
Me: "Awesome." (Shit.)
Them: "Can you just come by and discuss your act? We wanna know what you're gonna say. We even have some guidelines."
Me: "No problem."

And so I spend the whole night pacing and wondering, "What the hell am I gonna do!" and running my "jokes" by my "roommate." And somehow I manage to come up with what I think is a pretty decent act. So I dress all nice and conservative and head on over to their make shift office. Which is really just the living room of someone's house. I meet with the girl from the phone (her name is Brenda). We sit and she offers me some Evian and it goes like this:
Brenda: "We all think you're very funny."
Me: "Cool."
Brenda: "But there will be rules."
Me: "Yeah, totally."
Brenda: "Are you a registered Republican?"
Me: "..."
Brenda: "..."
Me: "I'm Independent." (Oh God I said that word!)
Brenda: "That's fine."

So we go over my very well crafted outline and she makes some revisions. It now looks like this:
I of course could not take the butchering of my carefully crafted stand up routine lying down and fought to save every last joke.
Me: "I could make these changes but...I mean my blog makes fun of Republicans..."
Brenda: "Yeah we're not really into that."
Me: "Didn't you find my McCain jokes funny?"
Brenda: "Well sure but this isn't the place for that. In fact you can't make any McCain jokes."
Me: "...What?"
Brenda: "And we can't have a drag queen at our convention."
Me: "Do you realize what that leaves me with?"
Brenda: "A really funny Obama impersonation! How big is the turban?"
Me: "My blog's not called 'I Think Obama's A Muslim,' it's called 'I Love Republicans'."
Brenda: "What's your point?"
Me: "We're not gonna see eye to eye on this, huh?"
Brenda: "I was told if you don't concede we're gonna have to fire you."
Me: "What if I change the dick jokes to Dick Cheney jokes."
Brenda: "You just don't get it."
Me: "Huh?"
Brenda: "This is a conservative convention."

And with that I was kicked out on the street without so much as a free pass to their second rate dog and pony show. I just thought you should hear it from me before word came through the grapevine.

Republicans Love Independence!

2008-07-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday America!
Today is the day we celebrate being the most ass kickin' country in the world by watching shit blow up in bright colors, lounging by the pool, gettin' drunk and eatin' bbq. God Bless the USA.
Unfortunately, the reigning princess of the GOP is misrepresenting our patriotism by spending time in Britain during the holy week. I can only hope she's back in the States by today. She better not eff this up.I do want to take this time to point out that Meghan has begun exhibiting traits of those goddamn wealthy urban elitists that are documented in the blog Stuff White People Like. I'm specifically referring to the article on studying abroad:

By attending school in another country, white people are technically living in another country. This is important as it gives them the opportunity to insert that fact into any sentence they please. “When I used to live in [insert country], I would always ride the train to school. The people I’d see were inspiring.”

And if you see the Meghan's post about her trip to England, she says:

I enjoyed living in London a couple of years ago and was thrilled to return.

Uhm...excuse me? Meghan enjoyed living in London? Living in London? Well then, why don't we just call her a goddamn Brit already and take away her right to vote if she's so happy to return especially during the time we Americans celebrate getting those goddamn pale snaggle toothed sons of bitches off our backs. Forget Barack's America Hating Wife, I'm shocked and appalled that after getting shot down in a fighter plane and spending 5.5 years being gruesomely tortured by Gooks, John McCain has raised his daughter to believe living in London is an amazing experience. I'm sickened that he allowed her to live in London. How UnAmerican is that? And to make things worse, instead of traveling the heartland in a star spangled bikini, Meghan is returning to our former slave drivers and kissing ass. Oh, did I mention that CEO wife of his tagged along?

Republicans Love Good Deeds

2008-07-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lack of updates lately. The news has been rather boring with tales of a tanking economy and more deaths in Afghaniwhatever, oh boo hoo ya goddamn liberal media. And as you all know, my nemesis Meghan has been on an international goodwill trip. Yeah, that bitch. And she stopped writing redundantly retarded captions under the photos of impoverished children. What a bitch, right? Of course I couldn't make fun of her for doing something so humane. To compete with that blog, I've decided to start a charity of my own. Of course my mom doesn't run a million dollar beer company so I don't have the funds to compete. But I do write for this wonderful blog. So please click on the ads at the bottom of the page so that I may raise funds for my awesome top secret charity. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not 100% sure what this top secret charity will be but I will say this, unlike that bitch over at that other blog, I'm not afraid to scrape through human waste in Cambodia wearing my new Prada shoes and Dolce & Gabana sunglasses. I mean, just because they're 3rd world citizens doesn't mean they don't deserve to see me in my Sunday best, right? Tacky...

Republicans Say The Darndest Things!

2008-06-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

Many many crazy things have happened/been said in the past week in Republican Land. Meghan McCain has officially registered as a Republican after claiming to have been an Independent. What kind of designer crack is she smoking? And how do we get it? Is there a Young Republicans Convention we can get this at?
Meghan also posted this photo of a veteran on her blog:We all know John McCain ACTUALLY believes this but real people do too? How many Americans can actually speak English properly let alone a second language? My point exactly.
Further pushing their agenda of ignorance labeled as patriotism, Republicans are now sporting the following pins from the Texas Republican Convention: Ouch, Texas. Ouch.

Republicans Need Gay Stylists

2008-06-13T21:24:00.001-07:00

I apologize for the lack of updates. I've been rollin' down the street smokin' dope sippin' on gin and juice at the Texas Republican Convention with the Ron Paul folks. And for the sake of making up for lost time:
I guess the "Straight" Talk Express is overcompensating for something if you know what I'm saying...Oy, we get it, we get it. Your wife dresses you...

Republicans Are Men

2008-05-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

I have been left speechless. Hail to the chief.

Republicans Make The Gayest White House Ever

2008-05-25T15:13:00.000-07:00

As I said in yesterday's post, a McCain-Romney ticket would lead to the gayest White House ever. I think it's an important enough of a topic that it warranted further explanation. Not only have both candidates employed their children to do useless things (seriously, does Meghan actually need to tell us what song she's listening to today?) but both candidates have children that I'm sure will have the gay blogosphere and media set afire. I apologize if some of you don't understand the slang of this post but by the way, it's 2008.
First off, Meghan McCain is a total fag hag. That's not an insult. If you don't believe me, just take a look at the Blogette. She's wearing oversized designer sun glasses all the effin' time. She thinks she's a diva. Well it ain't gonna happen until she leaks footage of herself hanging with drag queens. In a McCain America, Meghan will have her own reality show (oh, I forgot to mention, this post is all about the kids being forced in reality shows. It's how they're going to serve the country.). I don't effin' care what it's about. It could be about her boring life, it could be about shopping. She's just got to have an obligatory gay best friend. I'm sure it's not that much of a stretch. It's impossible she's actually dressing herself.
Episode 1: Meghan and her GBFF (Gay Best Friend Forever!) redecorate the Lincoln Bedroom with pink satin curtains and leopard print rugs. The GBFF calls Jenna Bush fat starting a feud which ends with Meghan and Jenna having a fight that finds them falling into a giant fountain in Prada.
I know, a bit long winded but watching Jenna Bush and Meghan McCain cat fighting in a fountain will definitely make all of America forget they can't afford their mortgage payments.
I doubt Meghan's show will be as entertaining as the Romney Brothers' show. Oh yes, all five of them are obligated. But if the two ugly ones (Tagg and Ben) go missing every few episode I'm sure we won't care. Nothing was gayer than that 5 Brothers Blog and you know it.

On their show (which should definitely be on Logo) the Romney Brothers travel the country (preferably by bike...all hot and sweaty...) finding young gay men to convert to heterosexuals. They start off each episode by showing the young gay the powers of adult male bonding. Oh yeah. HOT. They golf, drink fine wines, and eat exotic cheeses. (How will this turn any gay man straight? I don't effin' care! Did you see Craig Romney in those short shorts?!) The gay men who can't convert must face the extreme Mormon conversion tactics. I'm sure neither the male bonding nor conversion therapy will actually convert any homosexuals to heterosexuality but it'll make for damn good TV. Plus did you see how Josh totally took off his shirt?!

Republicans Pick Running Mates

2008-05-24T08:56:00.000-07:00

It is rumored that John McCain's little get together this weekend is actually a running mate audition. I think McCain's missing out on what could help make him an actually viable candidate. This Memorial Day weekend kicks off the summer season and what better way to kick off the summer than by premiering an all new reality show! McCain really should have this audition broadcast live on Fox News. And there should be challenges! Ooh the challenges! Imagine Mitt Romney and Charlie Crist having to eat live cockroaches while laying in a bathtub full of margarine!
It's ridiculous, I know, but we'd all definitely watch that. On to more serious things, let's consider who McCain will be auditioning.
First off, let's just mark Bobby Jindal off the list. Who the eff cares about this guy? I'm sure he's a nice guy, but I did a google image search and all I could find were pics of him making out with his wife in front of large crowds. Douche bag. Did anyone tell him PDA is way overrated? Ok, ok. I thought maybe we should give this guy a chance. I looked him up on wikipedia, which only furthered my distaste for him. Sure he's young and all but A. He comes from immigrants and I'm sorry but when the Republican platform involves coming to what can almost be a stand still in immigration, it just seems sort of hypocritical to have the child of immigrants representing you... B. He was born Hindu which is not Christianity which might as well be Paganism. Try explaining to middle America that Hinduism is not Islam. And that he's an Indian and not an Arab. And we know now he's Catholic and the Catholics don't vote Republican but really? This guy wrote a paper about how he witnessed a friend being possessed by a demon. I'm pretty sure the Catholics don't really take Exorcisms all that seriously. Sounds like someone's trying a little too hard to be believed. What if he's secretly got shrines to Hindu gods in his closet? What are we to think? Oy, I'm tired. Plus, anyone that makes out with their wife in public that much is just screaming to be called a douche bag.
Next up, Charlie Crist. What is up with the tan? Someone's trying a little too hard to be considered Latino. There's something about him that makes me think he's not trustworthy. I think he needs to stay in Florida where you know he's the pimp around the retirement home. Maybe that's it. Crist gives off this "I'll sleep with your wife or even sexually harass you" vibe. Like if I were his intern, you know he'd be touching me inappropriately.
This brings me to who I think McCain should pick. I may be a little biased but Mitt Romney just screams VP. Well, I mean he doesn't, but imagine having more reason to see the 5 Romney Brothers back on the scene? Let me just say this. A McCain-Romney ticket would lead to the gayest White House ever. EVER. In fact, it would be so gay that I have to devote a whole second post tomorrow to just focusing on how gay that White House would be. So, let's get off the topic and focus just on Romney. Sure, he's kind of skeezy. Unlike Crist, though, I'm sure Romney wouldn't want in my pants. He'd want one of two things: My money or My soul. Oh yeah. You know those Mormons want your soul and your kids' soul. I'm sorry if I'm being kind of a bigot or insensitive or whatever. I will say this, most religions want your soul anyway. And they want your kids. It's the way they stay in business. But we have to admit, the Mormons are a little more hungry seeing as to how they haven't been around as long as other religions like the Mighty Catholic Church. Really, when was the last time you saw nuns running around on bikes during 100 degree summers to discuss the Bible with you? My point exactly. I know we should be focusing on more important things. Like how Romney's actually kind of a big tool (hehehe...) but who in the Republican Party isn't? That's like trying to discuss the differences between skim milk and fat free milk. The important thing here is that Romney would ride around the country on a bike promoting Mormonism and the Republican agenda (Ooohh...is Fox News listening? This would be Must See TV.) and that's something the craziest of crazy Republicans can appreciate.

Republican Hump Day!

2008-05-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

It is post yet another primary. Did anyone check out those Oregon polls? Ron Paul pulled in quite a few votes...did I mention the Libertarians are crazies? With the Republican race already decided, why bother showing up to the polls at all? Still, McCain only managed to pull in 1/10th the amount of votes that both Obama and Clinton are pulling. I'm not saying drop out of the race, I totally see why you wanna see this through to the end...
Enough of that. The McCain Blogette has posted so many photos this week, I couldn't fit them all into my post yesterday. I picked a few more for to share with you today. Be sure to check out the original pics (you know, sans talking bubbles) and let Meghan know how much love her and her site and yadda yadda. Of course Lieberman's not carrying around the stench of being a failed Democratic Vice Presidential nominee or the party traitor who makes out with Right Wing Evangelical nuts... I can't decide if she's talking about Coach or coach...

Republicans Need Refreshing

2008-05-20T07:35:00.001-07:00

It seems a few readers are upset that this political blog has actually become political. I think we're all suffering from election fatigue even though the actual campaign season has yet to officially get under way. Luckily, The McCain Blogette has done what they do best: Make Meaningless Posts! Which of course gives us some great material. So without further ado...Below the belt? Oh get over it.See here.

Republicans Think They're Democrats

2008-05-15T12:24:00.000-07:00

Has John McCain lost his effin' mind?
This week McFlipMcFlop has pledged to fight global warming. (Well more like swat it with a limp wrist.) And has also declared that the US will be out Iraq by 2013. Pay no attention to his previous pledge to stay in Iraq for 100 years. Could ol' McCain be confused by all the recent media coverage and believe he's running on a Democratic ticket? He's even pledging to END partisanship!
A self-identified "maverick" flip flop running on a Republican ticket and legalized gay marriage from a conservative court?!
I for one will not stand for it. I'm packing up and moving to the only place left in the world where it is still 1989 and Family Ties still airs "new to you" episodes: Lithuania.
Only on further inspection, it is still 1989 in Lithuania and Craigslist does not exist. Meaning I have no way of finding employment or housing before moving. On to option two! The beautiful city of Prague. I assume it is at best 1992 in this eastern European city and I can deal with that. In fact my new home may well be this loft. I'm sure I can blog frequently from my new locale.

Republicans Hate Other Christians

2008-05-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

John McCain's own Jeremiah Wright apologizes for comments he made about Catholics. Although the comments were made a while back, the media has failed to snatch on to it, like most things McCain.

"But when a reporter asked him about the controversy recently -- noting that Illinois Sen. Barack Obama had drawn far more criticism for the comments of his pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. -- McCain responded that Hagee had not been his pastor for 20 years."

Oh, that gives McCain a pass. Except McCain ACTIVELY sought this man's endorsement to give him a boost in a demographic that shuns him. Barack at least had faith to back up what his preacher was saying and witnessed good deeds in those 20 years. John can't even account for any good things Hagee may or may not have said.

[In his apology] Hagee wrote of his "profound respect for the Catholic people"

Well, we all call people we respect followers of a "false cult system" anyway. It's really just a term of endearment like calling them "the great whore."

"McCain at first waved off the criticisms, asserting that just because Hagee endorsed him "does not mean I embrace everything that he stands for and believes in."

So how is Barack Obama held to a different standard? May I reiterate, McCain ACTIVELY SOUGHT HAGEE'S ENDORSEMENT. He wine dined sixty nined that ho.
Unfortunately, The Catholic League responded by saying:

"The tone of Hagee's letter is sincere. He wants reconciliation and he has achieved it. . . . Whatever problems we had before are now history. This case is closed."

Oh come on! You gave Kathy Griffin more of a fight and she's at least funny.
As a fellow Catholic the only way I see for John Hagee to make amends and demonstrate real regret is by attending confession, practicing a penance, and then attending mass. On second thought, I believe he also needs a week at a Catholic school where he can get smacked by nuns with rulers. It's the only true path to Heaven.

Republicans Now En Español!

2008-05-08T14:32:00.000-07:00

John McCain has launched a Spanish language website in order to campaign to those illegal immigrants (who won't learn English and that his party wants to deport in massive numbers).
McCain also sited, "the many contributions Mexican-Americans have made to our society, culture, security, and economy." Could John be taking his party in a different direction? It's highly unlikely considering the Republican platform involves defining American culture as NOT Hispanic culture. The Spanish website is more like undignified pandering.
In other news, McCain's had some trouble staying in the spotlight. In preparation for a post on that topic, I bookmarked an article in the LA Times with a McCain headline that turned out to really be an article about Hillary and Obama's campaign with a short paragraph on McCain's campaign strategy. Today, the bookmarked link now leads to an article on the Indiana and North Carolina Democratic primaries. Could it be a sign of things to come?

Republicans Manage Money!

2008-05-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

The United States of America only managed to lose 20,000 jobs in April! Of course this gives W more reason to deny he's led us into recession.

There were clear signs of weakness in the report. The average work week slipped to 33.7 hours from 33.8, a sign that some workers had difficulty finding full-time work.

And for those working part time, the work is harder to come by. As a reminder that we live in a global community, I think W and whoever becomes the next president should consider our economy's impact on other nations.

When [Eduardo Gutierrez] visits his home in Mexico, he doesn't reveal everything about just how dire the situation is.

"Every time I go down there, a lot of people ask, 'How is my son doing?' " Gutierrez said. "I don't want to say they're out of a job or anything like that."

He added, "I say they're doing all right. But that is just a lie. They are doing bad right now. A lot of people are doing bad."

Regardless of your politics, this is about humanity and meeting your basic needs. When did our country start failing at that?
Instead of buckling down on the money problems, Georgie's asked Congress for $70 billion more for his War on Terrorism.

Republicans Blame Others

2008-04-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

George W. is trying to stay relevant again.
This time he's blaming Congress for his inaction and "for blocking his initiatives to mitigate rising energy costs..." Although he places blame, Georgie never really mentions what his initiatives were. Just that the mean old Congress is in his way.

Bush said he would ``take a look'' at any proposals that may come from Congress. He said Congress would open more domestic land to oil exploration if it was ``truly interested'' in solving the problem of high gas prices.

What he really means is he would take a look at any proposal he would have written himself.
When it came to a plan to halt purchasing of oil for the US Reserve, Bush said no. Even when fellow Republicans recommended it. Yes, even other Republicans have ideas of things to DO.
If anyone's confused about W's continued inaction plan, the AP put together this nice little Fact vs. Fiction sheet.

Republicans Eat With Silver Spoons

2008-04-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a break this weekend and see how things are going in Mexico. I'm also writing it off on my taxes as research for this blog. It's sort of like time traveling to an alternate future where McCain wins the presidency. Oh, what? Am I really comparing an America with a McCain Administration to Mexico? It's far fetched, I know. But Mexico has much better food and more colorful architecture which trumps all. But I digress. During my down time, the McCain Blogette made 2, count 'em 2, posts which weren't those god awfully worthless playlists and George Bush made some crazy statements. I'm working as fast as I can but I can do so much at once!
First things first. The Blogette!
They know class when they see it.
Oh, Mama McCain...
What? I mean...seriously...any day now...
My number's probably on the wall of most bathrooms in the tri-county area...just saying...*wink*

McCain's smartest move yet! Get 'em while they're young! Although...he may not be around to reap the benefits if you know what I'm saying...

Republicans Are So Hallelujah

2008-04-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

The McCain Blogette has finally come out of their hiatus, sort of. Their fantastic photographer, Heather, posted some of her favorite photos from the campaign. They have also added a feature that allows you to zoom in on their photos. Hallelujah!

I don't think this really helps with the whole age thing...

Republicans Make News

2008-04-16T13:57:00.000-07:00

Bush unveils Environmental Inaction Plan!
Meanwhile, the Republican women prepare for TV talk shows.
Laura and Jenna Bush will host the Today Show.
While Cindy McCain hosts the View.

Republicans Hate Immigrants

2008-04-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

Immigration raids have apparently continued.
Who better to blame for a lagging economy than the silent population living in the shadows? (Nice bit of poetry, huh?)
My favorite part is where justification for putting poor immigrants out of work is:

"[John Chakwin] recounted the story of a woman in New York with a heart condition, whose medical care was snarled by health insurance inquiries about her identity. A worker at the Mount Pleasant plant had stolen her Social Security number"

I'm so sure it was this worker who personally stole it. How many of us can afford a plane ticket from Dallas to BFE, New York on minimum wage?
Why not put more effort into ending identity theft? Or maybe do a better job prosecuting identity thieves? Because of course we can't blame the companies that are doing faulty checks on illegal immigrants:

"We have cooperated fully with the government," said Ray Atkinson, a Pilgrim's Pride spokesman, at corporate headquarters in Pittsburg, Texas.

Plus if you're a real Republican you probably think businesses will solve our problems and do what's right for people anyway, so why bother with government intervention?

Republicans Induce Emergency Posts!

2008-04-15T19:26:00.000-07:00

Could it be? Are those god damn liberals taking over the world?
Bush to announce goal for stopping greenhouse emissions!
Uhm...it's April 15...I think he's a couple of weeks late on pulling pranks...
The big announcement comes tomorrow but I'm sure he'll be all laissez-faire.

Republicans Really Love Laissez-Faire

2008-04-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

John McCain has proposed an economic plan. Cue the happy or horror music depending on your preferences.
Read and note the 2 counts of flip-flopping.

• "He called once again for making the Bush tax cuts, which he voted against, permanent, and for cutting corporate taxes..."
Hoot and holler about the damages of giving rich people more money, but then take it back and reaffirm your conservative ideals by not only letting rich people keep their money but also giving corporate America more money, too.
• "[McCain] would be willing to break from some of the economic policies of the Reagan and Bush administrations." What the hell? What kind of flip flopper flip flops by saying, "Oh, well...maybe us Republicans are kind of wrong..." Laissez-Faire indeed.

Moreover, my dear friend Meghan said her father is terrified about climate change. But he's all Laissez-Faire on that, too.
• "[McCain] called on Congress to suspend the 18.4 cent a gallon federal gas tax from Memorial Day until Labor Day. Mr. McCain said that doing so would provide 'an immediate economic stimulus,' but some environmentalists said that the change might encourage more people to use their cars, while Mr. McCain has made combating global warming central to his campaign."
I think Johnny's campaign would benefit much more if he portrayed an image of youth by riding a bike between campaign stops. It's just a suggestion...

Republicans Prefer Laissez-Faire

2008-04-10T18:07:00.000-07:00

John McCain in said in this non-news story that contrary to what he said in an earlier interview ("It is not the duty of government to bail out and reward those who act irresponsibly."), he would indeed help people who are suffering under the economic crisis. Pay attention to a close part of the article that says, "...his plan would apply only to people who have subprime mortgages on their primary residences who could show that they would be able to meet the terms of a new, 30-year fixed-rate mortgage."
So...essentially, people who can't afford a home but are fooled into thinking they can are acting irresponsibly and it is not the government's role to to fix this problem BUT if you can afford your new higher interest rate house then you should be rewarded with a lower interest? How does this fix the problem? Why is John McCain flip flopping?
Maybe I've just got it all wrong. Check out the wiki article on the current economic crisis and correct me if you must.

Republicans Love Vacations

2008-04-08T21:17:00.000-07:00

Today I received some upsetting news. The McCain Blogette is going on hiatus for a few weeks! Ahhhh! It seems John McCain's biography tour is coming to a close. I'll be counting down the minutes until I can read Meghan's witty musings. Here's an example of what I mean for those of you unfamiliar with the Blogette.

Meghan's sure putting that Ivy League Art History degree to good use. She even followed up that caption by commenting on another photo with, "More haircuts."
Since the Blogette will be gone for a while, my meager commentary will have to tide you fellow Republican Lovers over. I'll try to kick this into high gear.

Well it's okay if you're pitching not if you're catching.

Diva, what are you doing here?!

What? I mean Diet Coke...I've got the addiction, too...

Republicans Love Money

2008-04-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

Again, courtesy of the McCain Blogette. Meghan McCain and Mom go shopping for expensive things at a political jewelry store. Well to set the record straight, on her blog Meghan never says they bought anything...wrong of me to assume.

While the McCain women were off spending John's tax payer salary (or Cindy's independent wealth) 80,000 Americans lost their jobs.

You'd think they'd show a little more sympathy by at least NOT publicizing their diamond and pearls shopping spree.

Republicans Love Their Mamas

2008-04-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

A look at hot lesbian sex on the McCain bus, thanks to the McCain Blogette.

Below the belt, I know. Whatever. I'm not sure who's mom this is. I assume it's John's. Which of course makes this woman...wow...yeah...I need a calculator to figure this one out...
Sick burn, sick burn.

Republicans Sing Off Key

2008-03-31T15:55:00.000-07:00

Go on and get yourself wet, girl. You know you want to.

Republicans Don't Go Hollywood

2008-03-29T15:44:00.000-07:00

Does anybody get this? I read in GQ that the Republicans responsible for this are out of Dallas. Maybe I should find them and get a little personal Q&A session.
Why does Hillary hate liberals? Is she really a Republican at heart? Then why do Republicans hate her?
Why is this cartoon series not funny? Where's the joke? Is the joke that it's not funny?
Maybe my film degree has made me too much of an intensive viewer but seriously WTF?

Welcome

2008-03-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are unaware it is an election year. The time when almost every American becomes a raving lunatic. I thought about how I could possibly pitch in to help a person I feel is competent get into the White House. There are low paying or volunteer campaign jobs but I just thought creating a blog would be easier. Plus I can be funnier.
I'll just come out and say it. I'm a Democrat. And regardless of which Democrat ends up the nominee, I'll be voting Democratic. I think we all need to come to terms with the fact that no matter who's in office politics will always be politics. Can any of the 3 candidates reach across the aisle and end partisanship? I think not. And we shouldn't end partisanship anyway. It makes politics interesting. I think all politicians should be working towards a greater good and should not play political games with our country. I just don't think we can all agree on the same greater good and that's why we have partisanship.
This blog is dedicated to the reasons why I love Republicans, obviously. I'll probably never vote Republican in my lifetime but I still find their presence amusing. And that's what this blog is about. Every time a Republican violates their own party's platform, I'll make sure to provide some fun commentary. And of course...I'll provide commentary regardless.
It's time to take back our country and hopefully by November my little contribution to the political blogosphere will have helped.