Republicans Are Men

I have been left speechless. Hail to the chief.

Republicans Make The Gayest White House Ever

As I said in yesterday's post, a McCain-Romney ticket would lead to the gayest White House ever. I think it's an important enough of a topic that it warranted further explanation. Not only have both candidates employed their children to do useless things (seriously, does Meghan actually need to tell us what song she's listening to today?) but both candidates have children that I'm sure will have the gay blogosphere and media set afire. I apologize if some of you don't understand the slang of this post but by the way, it's 2008.
First off, Meghan McCain is a total fag hag. That's not an insult. If you don't believe me, just take a look at the Blogette. She's wearing oversized designer sun glasses all the effin' time. She thinks she's a diva. Well it ain't gonna happen until she leaks footage of herself hanging with drag queens. In a McCain America, Meghan will have her own reality show (oh, I forgot to mention, this post is all about the kids being forced in reality shows. It's how they're going to serve the country.). I don't effin' care what it's about. It could be about her boring life, it could be about shopping. She's just got to have an obligatory gay best friend. I'm sure it's not that much of a stretch. It's impossible she's actually dressing herself.
Episode 1: Meghan and her GBFF (Gay Best Friend Forever!) redecorate the Lincoln Bedroom with pink satin curtains and leopard print rugs. The GBFF calls Jenna Bush fat starting a feud which ends with Meghan and Jenna having a fight that finds them falling into a giant fountain in Prada.
I know, a bit long winded but watching Jenna Bush and Meghan McCain cat fighting in a fountain will definitely make all of America forget they can't afford their mortgage payments.
I doubt Meghan's show will be as entertaining as the Romney Brothers' show. Oh yes, all five of them are obligated. But if the two ugly ones (Tagg and Ben) go missing every few episode I'm sure we won't care. Nothing was gayer than that 5 Brothers Blog and you know it.

On their show (which should definitely be on Logo) the Romney Brothers travel the country (preferably by bike...all hot and sweaty...) finding young gay men to convert to heterosexuals. They start off each episode by showing the young gay the powers of adult male bonding. Oh yeah. HOT. They golf, drink fine wines, and eat exotic cheeses. (How will this turn any gay man straight? I don't effin' care! Did you see Craig Romney in those short shorts?!) The gay men who can't convert must face the extreme Mormon conversion tactics. I'm sure neither the male bonding nor conversion therapy will actually convert any homosexuals to heterosexuality but it'll make for damn good TV. Plus did you see how Josh totally took off his shirt?!

Republicans Pick Running Mates

It is rumored that John McCain's little get together this weekend is actually a running mate audition. I think McCain's missing out on what could help make him an actually viable candidate. This Memorial Day weekend kicks off the summer season and what better way to kick off the summer than by premiering an all new reality show! McCain really should have this audition broadcast live on Fox News. And there should be challenges! Ooh the challenges! Imagine Mitt Romney and Charlie Crist having to eat live cockroaches while laying in a bathtub full of margarine!
It's ridiculous, I know, but we'd all definitely watch that. On to more serious things, let's consider who McCain will be auditioning.
First off, let's just mark Bobby Jindal off the list. Who the eff cares about this guy? I'm sure he's a nice guy, but I did a google image search and all I could find were pics of him making out with his wife in front of large crowds. Douche bag. Did anyone tell him PDA is way overrated? Ok, ok. I thought maybe we should give this guy a chance. I looked him up on wikipedia, which only furthered my distaste for him. Sure he's young and all but A. He comes from immigrants and I'm sorry but when the Republican platform involves coming to what can almost be a stand still in immigration, it just seems sort of hypocritical to have the child of immigrants representing you... B. He was born Hindu which is not Christianity which might as well be Paganism. Try explaining to middle America that Hinduism is not Islam. And that he's an Indian and not an Arab. And we know now he's Catholic and the Catholics don't vote Republican but really? This guy wrote a paper about how he witnessed a friend being possessed by a demon. I'm pretty sure the Catholics don't really take Exorcisms all that seriously. Sounds like someone's trying a little too hard to be believed. What if he's secretly got shrines to Hindu gods in his closet? What are we to think? Oy, I'm tired. Plus, anyone that makes out with their wife in public that much is just screaming to be called a douche bag.
Next up, Charlie Crist. What is up with the tan? Someone's trying a little too hard to be considered Latino. There's something about him that makes me think he's not trustworthy. I think he needs to stay in Florida where you know he's the pimp around the retirement home. Maybe that's it. Crist gives off this "I'll sleep with your wife or even sexually harass you" vibe. Like if I were his intern, you know he'd be touching me inappropriately.
This brings me to who I think McCain should pick. I may be a little biased but Mitt Romney just screams VP. Well, I mean he doesn't, but imagine having more reason to see the 5 Romney Brothers back on the scene? Let me just say this. A McCain-Romney ticket would lead to the gayest White House ever. EVER. In fact, it would be so gay that I have to devote a whole second post tomorrow to just focusing on how gay that White House would be. So, let's get off the topic and focus just on Romney. Sure, he's kind of skeezy. Unlike Crist, though, I'm sure Romney wouldn't want in my pants. He'd want one of two things: My money or My soul. Oh yeah. You know those Mormons want your soul and your kids' soul. I'm sorry if I'm being kind of a bigot or insensitive or whatever. I will say this, most religions want your soul anyway. And they want your kids. It's the way they stay in business. But we have to admit, the Mormons are a little more hungry seeing as to how they haven't been around as long as other religions like the Mighty Catholic Church. Really, when was the last time you saw nuns running around on bikes during 100 degree summers to discuss the Bible with you? My point exactly. I know we should be focusing on more important things. Like how Romney's actually kind of a big tool (hehehe...) but who in the Republican Party isn't? That's like trying to discuss the differences between skim milk and fat free milk. The important thing here is that Romney would ride around the country on a bike promoting Mormonism and the Republican agenda (Ooohh...is Fox News listening? This would be Must See TV.) and that's something the craziest of crazy Republicans can appreciate.

Republican Hump Day!

It is post yet another primary. Did anyone check out those Oregon polls? Ron Paul pulled in quite a few votes...did I mention the Libertarians are crazies? With the Republican race already decided, why bother showing up to the polls at all? Still, McCain only managed to pull in 1/10th the amount of votes that both Obama and Clinton are pulling. I'm not saying drop out of the race, I totally see why you wanna see this through to the end...
Enough of that. The McCain Blogette has posted so many photos this week, I couldn't fit them all into my post yesterday. I picked a few more for to share with you today. Be sure to check out the original pics (you know, sans talking bubbles) and let Meghan know how much love her and her site and yadda yadda. Of course Lieberman's not carrying around the stench of being a failed Democratic Vice Presidential nominee or the party traitor who makes out with Right Wing Evangelical nuts... I can't decide if she's talking about Coach or coach...

Republicans Need Refreshing

It seems a few readers are upset that this political blog has actually become political. I think we're all suffering from election fatigue even though the actual campaign season has yet to officially get under way. Luckily, The McCain Blogette has done what they do best: Make Meaningless Posts! Which of course gives us some great material. So without further ado...Below the belt? Oh get over it.See here.

Republicans Think They're Democrats

Has John McCain lost his effin' mind?
This week McFlipMcFlop has pledged to fight global warming. (Well more like swat it with a limp wrist.) And has also declared that the US will be out Iraq by 2013. Pay no attention to his previous pledge to stay in Iraq for 100 years. Could ol' McCain be confused by all the recent media coverage and believe he's running on a Democratic ticket? He's even pledging to END partisanship!
A self-identified "maverick" flip flop running on a Republican ticket and legalized gay marriage from a conservative court?!
I for one will not stand for it. I'm packing up and moving to the only place left in the world where it is still 1989 and Family Ties still airs "new to you" episodes: Lithuania.
Only on further inspection, it is still 1989 in Lithuania and Craigslist does not exist. Meaning I have no way of finding employment or housing before moving. On to option two! The beautiful city of Prague. I assume it is at best 1992 in this eastern European city and I can deal with that. In fact my new home may well be this loft. I'm sure I can blog frequently from my new locale.

Republicans Hate Other Christians

John McCain's own Jeremiah Wright apologizes for comments he made about Catholics. Although the comments were made a while back, the media has failed to snatch on to it, like most things McCain.

"But when a reporter asked him about the controversy recently -- noting that Illinois Sen. Barack Obama had drawn far more criticism for the comments of his pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. -- McCain responded that Hagee had not been his pastor for 20 years."

Oh, that gives McCain a pass. Except McCain ACTIVELY sought this man's endorsement to give him a boost in a demographic that shuns him. Barack at least had faith to back up what his preacher was saying and witnessed good deeds in those 20 years. John can't even account for any good things Hagee may or may not have said.

[In his apology] Hagee wrote of his "profound respect for the Catholic people"

Well, we all call people we respect followers of a "false cult system" anyway. It's really just a term of endearment like calling them "the great whore."

"McCain at first waved off the criticisms, asserting that just because Hagee endorsed him "does not mean I embrace everything that he stands for and believes in."

So how is Barack Obama held to a different standard? May I reiterate, McCain ACTIVELY SOUGHT HAGEE'S ENDORSEMENT. He wine dined sixty nined that ho.
Unfortunately, The Catholic League responded by saying:

"The tone of Hagee's letter is sincere. He wants reconciliation and he has achieved it. . . . Whatever problems we had before are now history. This case is closed."

Oh come on! You gave Kathy Griffin more of a fight and she's at least funny.
As a fellow Catholic the only way I see for John Hagee to make amends and demonstrate real regret is by attending confession, practicing a penance, and then attending mass. On second thought, I believe he also needs a week at a Catholic school where he can get smacked by nuns with rulers. It's the only true path to Heaven.

Republicans Now En Español!

John McCain has launched a Spanish language website in order to campaign to those illegal immigrants (who won't learn English and that his party wants to deport in massive numbers).
McCain also sited, "the many contributions Mexican-Americans have made to our society, culture, security, and economy." Could John be taking his party in a different direction? It's highly unlikely considering the Republican platform involves defining American culture as NOT Hispanic culture. The Spanish website is more like undignified pandering.
In other news, McCain's had some trouble staying in the spotlight. In preparation for a post on that topic, I bookmarked an article in the LA Times with a McCain headline that turned out to really be an article about Hillary and Obama's campaign with a short paragraph on McCain's campaign strategy. Today, the bookmarked link now leads to an article on the Indiana and North Carolina Democratic primaries. Could it be a sign of things to come?

Republicans Manage Money!

The United States of America only managed to lose 20,000 jobs in April! Of course this gives W more reason to deny he's led us into recession.

There were clear signs of weakness in the report. The average work week slipped to 33.7 hours from 33.8, a sign that some workers had difficulty finding full-time work.

And for those working part time, the work is harder to come by. As a reminder that we live in a global community, I think W and whoever becomes the next president should consider our economy's impact on other nations.

When [Eduardo Gutierrez] visits his home in Mexico, he doesn't reveal everything about just how dire the situation is.

"Every time I go down there, a lot of people ask, 'How is my son doing?' " Gutierrez said. "I don't want to say they're out of a job or anything like that."

He added, "I say they're doing all right. But that is just a lie. They are doing bad right now. A lot of people are doing bad."

Regardless of your politics, this is about humanity and meeting your basic needs. When did our country start failing at that?
Instead of buckling down on the money problems, Georgie's asked Congress for $70 billion more for his War on Terrorism.