Republicans Are Still An Exclusive Club

As the Republican National Convention gets off to a lackluster start, I am reminded how excited I am about the premiere of Gossip Girl (it's big with the kids and I feel it's time for me to get on board) and the new 90210. I can't say that my lack of enthusiasm for the convention has nothing to do with the fact that I recently had a brush with the Straight Talk Express and then was plowed over by it.
About two weeks ago, I got a call from a representative of Camp McCain. Let's call him Bob.
BOB: "Hi, I'm calling on behalf of the McCain Campaign."
ME: "Oh crap. Am I in trouble?"
BOB: "What?"
ME: "...Nothing..."
BOB: "A colleague from the Austin bloggers convention recommended you as an entertainer."
ME: "What?"
BOB: "You're some kind of political stand up comedian?"
ME: "...of sorts..."
BOB: "Well, we're very interested in having you tag along on the Straight Talk Express."
ME: "You know I'm very disappointed about that whole situation with the Conservative Bloggers."
BOB: "There was a situation?"
ME: "...of course not..."
BOB: "But you just said-"
ME: "I'm actually a blogger."
BOB: "...Oh..."
ME: "Didn't they tell you that?"
BOB: "No...they said you were some kind of liberal comedian."
ME: "I never said I was liberal. In fact I think I signed some sort of paper."
BOB: "Well that's not a problem. The senator is interested in having some more liberal viewpoints around."
ME: "Oh thank God, because really, I own that shit."
BOB: "...right..."
ME: "So what sort of thing do you want me to do?"
BOB: "Well we originally wanted some on board entertainment. I was told you had a Barack Obama impersonation."
ME: "It was Bobby Jindal."
BOB: "Oh dear."
ME: "Will that be a problem?"
BOB: "Of course."
ME: "...it's cut."
BOB: "What other sort of thing do you do?"
ME: "I had this great idea for a drag queen to play Meghan."
BOB: "That's a problem."
ME: "I know. Drag queens don't do buses."
BOB: "...right..."
ME: "But if Meghan's on board anyway, I'll just do a bit with her."
BOB: "Meghan doesn't do bits."
ME: "Okay..."
BOB: "What else?"
ME: "I have a good few minutes of dick jokes. That's the one thing I demand."
BOB: "What?"
ME: "Well, I'm not sure about them right now but I stand by them. The bloggers wouldn't let me do them."
BOB: "We have children on the bus now..."
ME: "Well I'm sure they know what's going on downstairs."
BOB: EXHALES
ME: "How much time will each performance be?"
BOB: "I don't know."
ME: "Will I get to blog from the bus?"
BOB: "Possibly. But your posts will have to be reviewed."
ME: "What?"
BOB: "We were hoping you could stay on board until the convention. And then we want you to perform in the lobby of the hotel most of the delegates are staying at."
ME: "Uhm...wow..."
BOB: "Is that a problem?"
ME: "Will I get any face time with the Senator?"
BOB: "You'll be able to see him from your seat on the bus."
ME: "Well, that's lame."
BOB: "..."
ME: "Sounds great! When do I start?"
BOB: "We're going to have to check this blog of yours. Then we'll get back to you."

A few days later I get this email from BOB:
"We love the blog! It's really funny! Look forward to seeing you on the Express."

So I'm thinking, "OMFG! I need to get a travel pillow!" and "Will a track suit be appropriate? Athletes do it all the time..." but then a few days after that, BOB gives me another ring:
BOB: "There are a few things we need to talk about."
ME: "I completely cut Bobby Jindal from the act. And it was really hard but I also left the Romney Brothers out. Although, can I bring them back into the act for the hotel lobby shows?"
BOB: "What do you mean?"
ME: "Well I was thinking of doing a survey to see which brother people think is gayer. And then I sort of just go from there."
BOB: "Oh no."
ME: "...but we'll leave it out...Instead I have this great joke...about the economy..."
BOB: "What?"
ME: "I mean Hillary's pantsuits?"
BOB: "Oh gosh! That is too funny! What else?"
ME: "Uhm...well...I was hoping I could round up some drag queens for the lobby shows. Is that alright?"
BOB: "uhm..."
ME: "I was planning on having them dress like famous Republicans. Like Ronald Reagan."
BOB: "You can't have drag queens at all."
ME: "Why would I want any?" (and we laugh)
BOB: "This all sounds great."
ME: "Here's hoping!"
BOB: "But I have some bad news."
ME: "Ugh! I'm sorry! I promise I won't say the word 'dick' not even in reference to Cheney."
BOB: "What?"
ME: "I thought you were going to ban that word...with the kids and all..."
BOB: "No, unfortunately, someone on the campaign bus had brought up some pretty strong objections to your performances."
ME: "What? Who?"
BOB: "I really can't talk about it right now."
ME: "Was it the senator? Did he find my blog offensive?"
BOB: "The senator doesn't do blogs."
ME: "Was it Cindy? I think she's fabulous and I'm just being bitchy!"
BOB: "No."
ME: "Oh my God! Was it Meghan? I'll just die if it was Meghan!"
BOB: "It was the Senior Mrs. McCain. Okay?"
ME: "Skeletor?! Skeletor reads my blog?!"
BOB: "I think that's pretty offensive."
ME: "I say it with love?"
CLICK

So...it appears John McCain's one hundred and forty year old mother is internet savy and reads this frequently. Who knew?