Republicans Love Civil Forums

The first presidential forum took place last night and I'm sure most of us were eager to see the two candidates duke it in front of God at the Saddleback Church. The only problem is that didn't happen. In fact it was way lame and boring and I'm sure none of us learned anything we didn't already know about the candidates. To Rick Warren's credit, he did ask some interesting questions like what is your biggest moral failure. And he played each side to their audience for the most part. It was just boring.
I would have much rather seen McCain and Obama face off in an American Idol style competition singing patriotic songs. I'm sure Obama would win hands down since he'd be able to get some help from his many many musician friends. And McCain's got......Toby Keith, I'm sure...but he's pretty effin' terrible.
Anyway, McCain did a great job reciting the Conservative Manifesto making our troubled world easily solved in black and white answers. (Sick burn!) Here are our problems with McCain's answers from last night:
1. Holy crap! Seriously, John - you need to get that thing looked at! For the first 15 minutes of your answers all I could hear was the frickin' tumor talking to me!

2. "Leave the rich alone!" - I don't know if you haven't realized it yet...but we're kind of going through this economic trouble...yeah...Starbucks, Bennigans, Linens & Things, Steve & Barry's, andawholelotofotherpeople are having some problems right now...Middle America is on unemployment. Maybe you should show some sympathy and say something like "Rich is having a Beamer, a Bendz, an Escalade, 12 Jewish lawyers that keep you paid." Instead of saying "Well, I know rich people who are the most unhappy people in the world." Or whatever it is you said. Because let me assure you, Meghan is quite happy compared to other recent college grads her age who are forced to work at McDonald's to pay off their student loans.
3. What the eff?! Diss on Ginsberg?! What the heck did Ginsberg do?! Oh no you di'int. I don't know if you've heard anything on the streets, but Ginsberg is our homegirl. We got her back.
4. Excuse me? Did your mother not teach you manners? Mr. Warren is in charge of moderating and he'll get to that damn question on his own time now stop interrupting and take your medication.

5. And for the last goddamn time - tell us about being a POW. It's not that we don't respect what you went through, but seriously we're a little tired of it. Of course we'll give you props if you can relate abortion and gay marriage to the 5 years you spent in Vietnam but otherwise we have the entire story memorized from start to finish, including jokes and awkward facial expressions.