Republicans Are An Exclusive Club

So the day I hear not one but two political blogger conventions will be taking place in this great city of Austin, TX, I go nuts. And here I go thinking that maybe somehow I can contribute. Cos I'm a political blogger and I'm funny. So of course I immediately check out the conservative one, Defending the American Dream. And after watching this video I'm all "...Do I really wanna be a part of this snoozefest?" So I check out the liberal one, Netroots Nation and it's definitely a lot classier. Plus it's more expensive so I'm thinking, yeah, let's take my new Prada loafers there. And if you know conservatives, they don't have a very good sense of humor. Have you ever tried to tell a joke to Bill O'Reilly? He ain't having it...
So I call up Netroots to see if I can get in to perform some political comedy (yeah, cos I'm a stand up comedian...). And the conversation went something like this:
Them: "You want to do what?"
Me: "Stand up comedy. I have this great blog-"
Them: "We all do."
Me: "...yeah but mine's about Republicans."
Them: "And you're doing what at our convention?"
Me: "Presenting a different point of view?"
Them: "I'm not sure we can squeeze you in the schedule. Plus no one knows you around here."
Me: "What? I am kind of famous."
Them: "Sorry."
Me: "Don't you guys need some entertainment there?"
Them: "We have Howard Dean."
CLICK.

Yeah, I know, assholes. Anyway, I decide to eat shit and call up that other convention.
Me: "I'm really interested in being a part of this convention as a stand up comedian."
Them: "Really? We don't have one of those scheduled."
Me: "...I know...that's why I called..."
Them: "I can ask around."
Me: "Well I have a blog called Reasons I Love Republicans. You should check it out and get back to me."
Them: "Is it funny?"
Me: "No. It's like dead serious politics."
Them: "Well...then why are you a comedian?"
Me: "..."
Them: "Oh! I get it! You're funny!" (She laughs hysterically.)
Me: "Yeah...ok....ok....Well please call me back."
CLICK

Later that afternoon:
Them: "Oh my God! We really like your blog. You're so funny!"
Me: "I'm glad. So do you think I can do a bit or something?"
Them: "Well, we at the office talked it over and we think we can squeeze you in for maybe 30 minutes."
Me: "Awesome." (Cos seriously, 30 minutes? I don't even have an act yet!)
Them: "Saturday at 8AM."
Me: "Awesome." (Shit.)
Them: "Can you just come by and discuss your act? We wanna know what you're gonna say. We even have some guidelines."
Me: "No problem."

And so I spend the whole night pacing and wondering, "What the hell am I gonna do!" and running my "jokes" by my "roommate." And somehow I manage to come up with what I think is a pretty decent act. So I dress all nice and conservative and head on over to their make shift office. Which is really just the living room of someone's house. I meet with the girl from the phone (her name is Brenda). We sit and she offers me some Evian and it goes like this:
Brenda: "We all think you're very funny."
Me: "Cool."
Brenda: "But there will be rules."
Me: "Yeah, totally."
Brenda: "Are you a registered Republican?"
Me: "..."
Brenda: "..."
Me: "I'm Independent." (Oh God I said that word!)
Brenda: "That's fine."

So we go over my very well crafted outline and she makes some revisions. It now looks like this:
I of course could not take the butchering of my carefully crafted stand up routine lying down and fought to save every last joke.
Me: "I could make these changes but...I mean my blog makes fun of Republicans..."
Brenda: "Yeah we're not really into that."
Me: "Didn't you find my McCain jokes funny?"
Brenda: "Well sure but this isn't the place for that. In fact you can't make any McCain jokes."
Me: "...What?"
Brenda: "And we can't have a drag queen at our convention."
Me: "Do you realize what that leaves me with?"
Brenda: "A really funny Obama impersonation! How big is the turban?"
Me: "My blog's not called 'I Think Obama's A Muslim,' it's called 'I Love Republicans'."
Brenda: "What's your point?"
Me: "We're not gonna see eye to eye on this, huh?"
Brenda: "I was told if you don't concede we're gonna have to fire you."
Me: "What if I change the dick jokes to Dick Cheney jokes."
Brenda: "You just don't get it."
Me: "Huh?"
Brenda: "This is a conservative convention."

And with that I was kicked out on the street without so much as a free pass to their second rate dog and pony show. I just thought you should hear it from me before word came through the grapevine.