As Election Day draws near, we at Reasons I Love Republicans have decided to make a final endorsement of a candidate. No surprising, we have chosen to endorse the McCain/Palin ticket. We deliberated for days on end yet always found ourselves coming back to old reliable John McCain.
Why, you ask?
Imagine a world where Barack Obama has become president and both houses of Congress contain Democratic majorities. Barack may actually be able to make good on his campaign promises. Maybe he'll bring this country universal health care, fix our ailing economy, but more importantly bring complete sentences back to the White House. What will become of SNL's political relevance? What will become of bad comedians who make political jokes and George W. Bush impersonations? What will conversation on the View be like?
Whoopi: "Mmmhmmm, things are sure good."
Joy: "Let's have some Pinot Grigio and go to sleep."
Elizabeth: ......
Oh, did we mention Elizabeth Hasslebeck will be out of a job? What portion of the country would she represent? We do need to reassure you, we spent hours and sleepless nights worrying about Elizabeth's job security.
What will become of our Conservative Countrymen when unity and good feelings have overtaken all? Sure, the Liberals have endured far worse in the past 8 years, but they have college educations and live in kick ass cities. How can we dare force our Conservative Brethren to live and let live?
It's just not fair. With Barack Obama as president, others will be forced to tolerate gay marriages, the teaching of evolution, and equality with Muslims and the working class.
And on the last note, we decided we liked Barack Obama too much. He inspires us to wear fitted suits and enunciate way too much to give him one of the hardest jobs in the country. What if Barack has to make some unpopular decisions? What if things don't turn around as we hope they will? What if the stresses of the presidency turn his hair grey and tarnish his complexion? No, we'd much more sacrifice John McCain to that fate. If he plunges our economy into the toilet and forces us to wear a carbon counting bracelet that keeps track of our every exhale to protect corporations from being overburdened by their responsibilities to combat global warming - it's not as if we liked Ol' Knee Face anyway. And if ever the opportunity arises that John McCain throws up in the lap of a foreign dignitary, we won't feel bad about saying we're ashamed he is our president.
OBLIGATORY:
Our lawyers did insist we include the following note along with our endorsement:
The staff of Reasons I Love Republicans also hold their own career interests in mind when endorsing the McCain ticket. They have currently optioned a 3 part movie franchise with Warner Bros. based on John McCain's life, entitled "The Maverick" with Michael Bay attached as a director and Jake Gyllenhaal set to play a young John McCain. The film is loosely based on reality with John McCain being a Senator by day and masquerading superhero by night.
In addition to this film franchise, the writers are also in talks with the E! network to produce a reality show which follows the Palin clan as they settle in Washington, D.C. entitled "The Hockey Mom." The show intends to feature situations such as potty training in the Oval Office and Bristol Palin going on birth control.
